Asking for Permission

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about… the things I do, the things I don’t do, being vulnerable, and asking for/needing permission.  Is this something that belongs on a blog that is ostensibly about sewing?  Sort of.  For me, anyway.

The people outside myself tell me that I do SO. MUCH.  That I accomplish a ton, that I’m successful, that they don’t know how I can manage to do all the million different things that I do.  But, the person inside myself, me, I feel that sting of impostor syndrome.  I see the records I keep, the ones that state that I only manage to eke out around 20 hours of work every week.  I see the “screen time” stats on my phone that assert that I spend 7+ hours a day mindlessly scrolling social media.  I see the stacks of projects I haven’t completed, the jobs I’m procrastinating on, my own costumes falling apart onstage.

And… I’ve had some time lately, during this, the saga of This Damn Cyst ™, where I keep thinking “Well, when I’m stuck recovering and can’t really go out or move around much, then I’ll catch up on those sketches, or fix this or that costume, or do the flat sketches for my collection, or start this blog over again.”  But why am I waiting for some arbitrary time, as if my recovery period is the only time I have permission to work on things that are good for me?  Why do I need permission to do things that are good for my life?  Whose permission am I waiting for?

I don’t really have the answers to these questions.  What I do have is… just a desire to try and fix the mess of avoidant behaviors I’ve allowed myself to develop.  I’m not sure I have a strategy to do so yet.  But I have the desire.

 

In the spirit of vulnerability, all the photos in this post were taken by NomadGlam photography.  I’ve shot with him three times in the past two years (these photos are selections from all three shoots), and encompass a time where I have felt, frankly, pretty horrible about myself, my mental health, my body image, all of it.  Some of them were shot during the time when I wasn’t doing much of anything except taking care of Kenneth and drinking my frustration away.  Despite knowing how absolutely garbage I felt about my life during this whole time, I do really love the work we make together, and it makes me feel, in some ways, that I’m not just a total loss.  Also, despite the fact that my entire career is based on being nude in public spaces, I find these photos to be particularly vulnerable, in that nudity in a public space is easy for me, but being comfortable enough around a single human to let my guard down and be genuine and open is something else entirely.

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